What do we do with the taboo topic of caregiver anger?

I have quite a lot of friends who are caregivers like me. Every day and night, they provide care, attention, and company to their patients, who have various illnesses like cancer of the liver or prostate, and even myeloma.

I also read quite a lot of columns on medical and health websites. Any column written by a caregiver like me always catches my attention. I’ve noticed that no one wants to talk about how angry we can become when we care for a person we love.

Yes, we understand that caregivers often feel tired, worn out, and even frustrated. Yes, we also know that sometimes we can get angry and confused, sometimes lacking the right words to use, which forces us to remain silent for a long time or when we’re expected to say something. And then there’s the guilt that comes from caregiving for a loved one.

But anger? Not many people realize that it’s part of what caregivers feel. It just doesn’t fit the job description, nor is it a common part of the narrative of caregiving.

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Society expects us caregivers to be selfless, patient, and constantly compassionate. But that’s simply not always possible. I know because I’ve tried to pretend that I am all of that. And I’ve failed many times.

I cannot count how many times I’ve felt anger burning inside me like a fever that wants to consume me. But what happens on those days when I want to slam the kitchen cabinets? Or when I’m irritated by the sound of my mum’s voice as she calls my name for the fourth time in an hour?

On some days, I manage to control myself. I’ll have a broad smile on my face, but deep inside, I am angry. On other days, I get furious at everything: the nurses, the doctors, the cancer, the people who are fortunate to live normal lives, and even my mum.

And then I despise myself for feeling that way.

The things we don’t say out loud

The anger I sometimes feel doesn’t make any sense. It’s not logical. It’s not even about my mum. The anger is about:

• The invisibility: friends, family, and relatives who have disappeared simply because they don’t know what to say.
• The unfairness: Why did this happen to my mum? Why did this happen to us?
• The relentlessness: how myeloma has turned out to be the main issue of our lives.

Those are the real reasons why I feel angry. However, I’m learning how to control it, even though it’s not easy. Just imagine how difficult it can be to explain all of this to someone else when you’re stuck in the middle of a queue in a pharmacy at 11:30 p.m. while waiting for myeloma medications that may or may not be available.

Where the anger goes

Anger always finds a way to express itself. It usually leaks out sideways when I find myself:

• Ghosting friends because I feel insulted when I see them living normal lives seemingly with no problems.
• Crying in the shower so that my mum won’t hear.
• Snapping at nurses because of a minor delay.

Sometimes when I’m angry, I remember what a therapist once said to me: “Anger is just grief wearing armor.”

How I’m learning to hold it

• Call it by its name: When I’m alone in the car, I whisper, “I am angry.” I do so feeling no shame nor a need for justification.
• Find a way to channel it: I take long walks or punch pillows. Other times, I rage-clean the kitchen. I also compose furious unsent emails. Often, I write a blog post or column about myeloma.
• Find a way to forgive it: When I feel angry, I remind myself that rage and love can coexist. One doesn’t cancel the other.

To the caregivers who are furious today

Remind yourself that you are a person, a human being. You are not a monster.

Caregiving is not a test of your character. It is evidence of your humanity.

So whenever you feel angry for no reason, take a deep breath. Get a towel and scream into it. Punch a pillow. Take a cheap plate into the backyard and break it.

Then, go back into the house and continue to love your patient. You can do both.

Note: Rare Cancer News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Rare Cancer News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to rare cancer.