Navigating conflicting medical advice when doctors don’t agree

Dr. A is insisting that we should start treating my mother with a new myeloma medication right away. Dr. B is asking us to wait and confirm the myeloma diagnosis. Dr. C is insisting that we should visit another state hospital and review its clinical trial before we do anything. And after much debate among the medical professionals, everyone stares at me to make a decision.

If myeloma caregiving were a game show, this would be the round where I get to choose my own adventure. However, what’s at stake is the life of my mother, who has been battling myeloma since 2022. Even if I make the correct decision, I don’t win any prizes. And if I get it wrong? I’ll just add that crushing weight to the other burdens a caregiver like me carries.

Several weeks ago, my mother and I met with two different specialists. One insisted that right now, the quality of her life is all that matters. The second one had a different opinion, advising that aggressive therapy is her best shot.

Both of these people were well-trained, certain, and kind. But their conflicting advice left me lost. I ended up staring down at what I had scribbled on my notepad as if it were written in an unknown, or long-forgotten, language.

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Why disagreement feels like betrayal

We tend to expect medicine to function in a linear manner: testing → diagnosis → treatment → cure.

But myeloma enjoys laughing at that formula. We caregivers tend to live in a world of illusion, one where we believe we are in control. And we cling tightly to that idea.

However, when experts clash, that illusion that we cherish so dearly shatters. Suddenly, we’re not just managing appointments; we’re now acting as referees in a debate where everyone has different rulebooks.

How I’m learning to navigate the noise

Here are three steps to take when faced with conflicting medical advice:

1. Ask the doctor, “What would you do if this were your mother/father/child?” (This question tends to cut through the medical jargon.)
2. Demand a tumor board review. Some hospitals will convene a team to debate alternatives for you.
3. Embrace the “good enough” decision. Your enemy is paralysis. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to choose a path and correct your course later on if needed.

The hidden gift in the gray zones

I used to despise the uncertainty. And when I felt lost about what to do next, I became afraid and angry. But these days, I regard it all as perverse mercy.

If medicine were absolute, then it’s possible that every bad outcome would make us feel as if we’d failed. However, in these gray areas, I have learned a lot of lessons:

• Even a wrong turn can show us where to go next.
• My job as a caregiver is not to be right, perfect, or correct. My job is to be present.
• There are no villains, aliens, or unwelcome visitors here. We are all just humans doing our best.

To the caregivers playing medical judge today: You are permitted to ask the same question three times. To second-guess your decision. To take 24 hours to ugly cry before deciding what to do.

Caregiving is not a test of how intelligent you are. It is proof of your love.

Note: Rare Cancer News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Rare Cancer News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to rare cancer.