How to offer caregivers help that actually helps
The best kind of help is something actionable and specific
“Let me know if you need anything.” No matter how well-intentioned that statement sounds, I personally believe it’s the most useless thing someone can say to a caregiver.
As a caregiver, my brain is overflowing every day with so many details: appointments with oncologists and other specialists, drug copays, the fear I see in my mother’s eyes. “Anything” is too vast a word to even consider. I don’t need an open-ended offer; I need someone to send me a text saying, “I’m at the store right now. What type of bread does your mum like?”
To better understand why the offer of “anything” falls flat, one must understand both the cognitive load a caregiver carries as well as the challenges we encounter while caring for someone with a rare cancer.
Decision fatigue: Just today, I’ve had to make 37 medical and logistical decisions. Making a choice about what help to ask for would be decision No. 38, and I’m too worn out to do that.
The translation barrier: “Anything” means “a task I can easily do for you.” For me, it means, “I must now find a simple, explainable task that won’t be an inconvenience to them.” That is work.
The fear of being a burden: Asking feels like agreeing that I am failing at being a caregiver. So I respond, “We’re all good,” even when I know we’re not.
For me, the best kind of help is something actionable and specific and doesn’t need me to provide further explanation. So, if you want to assist a caregiver, I suggest trying the following types of questions.
The specific offer: “I’m baking two strawberry cakes. Can I bring you one on Thursday?” For this question, a caregiver would simply answer yes or no.
The task-based text: “I’m heading to the supermarket. Do you need toilet paper, toothpaste, or treats?” This question is also easy to answer.
The time-block ask: “I have some free time between 1 p.m. and 3 p.m. on Tuesday. Can I sit with your mother so you can have some time to take a nap, run an errand, or just get out?” This question is concise, concrete, and limited.
When it comes to offering a helping hand to caregivers, the golden rule we should remember is to make it easy for them to say yes or no with a single word.
How to ask for what you really need
For my fellow caregivers, it’s time to get comfortable making specific requests from others, especially people who are willing to help out but might not know how to ask you. Initially, it might feel awkward asking for assistance, but I assure you it works.
So, for instance, when someone tells you, “Let me know if you need anything,” make an attempt to reply with any of the following responses:
“Thank you. Actually, could you …”
“Take my dog for a walk this Saturday?”
“Pick up my kids from school next week?”
“Just come over and watch trash TV with me so I’m not all by myself with my thoughts?”
Don’t feel that you’re being needy. You’re actually giving them a gift: a clear way to actually assist you.
The mantra: It is kind to be clear. It is a burden to be vague. Try to be clear.
One small thing to try: This week, if someone offers to assist you in a vague manner, try asking for one small but specific thing from them. Be observant and take note of how it feels. It just might change everything for you.
Note: Rare Cancer News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Rare Cancer News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to rare cancer.
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