The holidays can amplify loneliness for those of us with cancer

I often think about my mother at this time of year. Today, Dec. 15, would have been her 94th birthday. But I think about more than just her birthday.

Each December, I take out her old black binder of dessert recipes to prepare for my holiday baking. After my son’s finals, he and I will spend a day making Mom’s ricotta pie, Bishop’s bread, and pizzelles.

Even with the cookbook, there’s always some trial and error. I’ve never figured out which of her three ricotta pie recipes is the right one. We follow her notes on the Bishop’s bread recipe, but some years the expected fruit and nut loaf turns into a knife-breaking Bishop’s brick! And pizzelle-making is intricate. You have to put just the right amount of batter onto the pizzelle iron and close it for just the right amount of time to get beautiful, lacy waffle cookies without burning them.

Usually, we do all right, but every year I wish she were here to steer us in the right direction.

Even more than that, I wish I’d spent more time with her during the fall and winter of 2006, the season before she died of colon cancer.

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It’s not as if I lived or worked far away. Her old house is just a mile away from ours, and my commute then was 20 minutes on a bad day. My job required some odd hours and lots of weekends, and I also had some chauffeur duties for my then 6-year-old son. But somehow I wasn’t taking time for the woman who always made time for me.

My brother called to yell at me about it, and I deserved it. I couldn’t explain it then, but now I think I was upset about her choice to end treatment. Dad had died the year before, and losing her too felt completely unfair. The only way I could deal with it was to avoid it.

It wasn’t until cancer hit me, in the form of multiple myeloma, that I learned I’m not the only family member who’s ghosted a patient.

The loneliness epidemic

As if dealing with a myeloma diagnosis and treatment wasn’t enough, new patients may find their friends and loved ones fall out of touch. I often see patients post in online support groups about feeling left out, not just during the holidays but year-round.

The problem is not limited to multiple myeloma. In 2023, the American Cancer Society’s Cancer Action Network published a report about loneliness in cancer patients and survivors. Their survey of 1,155 people found “More than half of cancer patients and survivors experience an aspect of social isolation at least some of the time, and 31% report feeling lonely very or somewhat often.” The survey also found 52% experienced greater isolation due to their diagnosis, and 57% due to treatment.

It may be comforting for patients to know they’re not alone in feeling alone. But isolation increases the risk of new medical problems being added to a patient’s plate, such as heart disease, stroke, or diabetes.

So what’s a patient to do?

Reach out

Sometimes it helps to hear from people who’ve been in your shoes. Check with your cancer center for support groups, either in person or online. The Healthtree Foundation offers a social media feed called Connect, along with personal myeloma coaching. The International Myeloma Foundation has many in-person support groups across the U.S., and even one in Jamaica! The Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation can also connect you to support.

“But I want support from my friends and family!” you say. Of course. You can give them a nudge with this advice from the American Cancer Society on ways to support loved ones with cancer. You can also send them this column, so they can see they’re not the only ones who became distant when a loved one got cancer.

Where there’s life, there’s hope

That phone call from my brother knocked a bit of sense back into me. It was helped along when my aunt and some cousins arrived from Boston to visit. They cooked up a storm, as Italians do, and Mom bloomed from all the good food and good company — including mine.

I changed jobs around that time and could mostly work from her home. I couldn’t make up for the time we’d lost, but I tried to make the most of the little time we still had.

Sometimes, that’s the best anyone can do.

Note: Rare Cancer News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Rare Cancer News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to rare cancer.