The art of distraction: Why sometimes we avoid ‘cancer talk’

There is an unspoken rule that seems to apply to all cancer caregivers. It goes something like this: You should always be serious, present, and “on.”

It’s as if one must be alert at all times simply because their loved one is suffering from a disease that is as tiring, exhausting, and frustrating as myeloma.

However, I have a confession: Ever since my mother’s myeloma diagnosis, some of the most healing moments we’ve spent together have been times when we didn’t say anything about myeloma or cancer or medications or hospital visits.

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The guilt of laughter

During the last week of March, we watched a ridiculous reality TV series on Netflix together. We spent an entire weekend watching all 24 episodes, laughing, yelling, and clapping at the screen as if nothing else made sense. And then, on the last day of May, we spent the entire evening glued to the same TV screen, yelling while watching the Champions League finals.

Anyone who saw us that evening would’ve thought we were raving football fans with nothing more important to do. During that time, the football game was all that mattered and made sense to us. And so, for almost two hours, we didn’t discuss anything related to myeloma. We didn’t talk about Mum’s medications, her lab results, her treatment, or her next hospital visit. It was just the two of us, a bowl of popcorn, and outrage over the result of the match after the final whistle was blown.

But life has a way of reminding you of your problems even when you forget them for a moment. It wasn’t long afterward that guilt crept into my heart, and I thought to myself: Aren’t we supposed to be having some deep conversations? Aren’t we supposed to be creating memories?

But then I realized something: We were already creating memories and having fun while doing so. Memories can be created even when we’re surrounded by silence. The truth is that being joyful isn’t a betrayal of gravity; it’s a reprieve from it.

Why distraction isn’t denial

One might think that caregivers must never be distracted. But this isn’t true. Regular breaks can help caregivers sustain our physical, mental, and emotional energy. The American Cancer Society recommends that we “carve out time to do things to help your body and mind stay as healthy as possible. These things include anything to help you relax, such as physical exercise, meditation, listening to music, or reading.”

Distraction is not avoidance, nor is it denial. Distraction is actually how we preserve ourselves.

For my mum and me, these escape moments include:

• Car rides where we don’t talk at all, but rather blast old songs.
• Fierce debates about unimportant things like, “Does pineapple belong on pizza?”
• Trash TV marathons, which are funny and full of entertainment. No medical dramas are permitted.

These periods don’t eradicate reality. They merely remind us that we are still us, not just a caregiver and a patient.

Permission to press pause

To my fellow caregivers, I want you to understand that sometimes it is all right to step away from the heaviness. You don’t have to monetize every minute or every hour into profundity. Get lost in a novel, watch a silly TV show, let your discussions veer into gossip, and write down your experience.

Cancer might dominate your life, but not every moment needs to be defined by it. Sometimes the most radical act of care is to say, “Today, let’s just not talk about cancer.” Or, you can simply choose to embrace silence.

Note: Rare Cancer News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Rare Cancer News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to rare cancer.